Shannon Writes...

Waving. Saying Thank You.

I've never posted from my school's computer before! How exciting! I'm in the faculty lounge during my free first period because I needed to find a place to clear my mind. Feeling cloudy and confused today, and not really entirely sure why. I am physically quite worn down, and, since my most strenous recent activity was sitting on my butt at a softball game, not really sure why that is. Anyone who reads this blog would know that I am figuring out a tricky friendship, which I suppose is wearying (as is my tendency to get locked vision on said friendship so that I need to pull myself out of obsessive mode and write, read, watch TV, etc.), and I'm also coming up on two shows next week, one of which has had a long, if enjoyable, rehearsal process. But still. I feel today is unusually kicking my ass, and I miss my good mood. Thought maybe a quick thank you list would help, so here I am.

Things I am Thankful For This Wednesday Morning at 9:05 AM

1) The sunshine.

2) Texting. It has opened my world to better communication, particularly with people I do not see every day but like alot, and with people I see all the time but do not always have a chance to converse with.

3) The grass in Prospect Park -- so lush and green.

4) Candy from O'Shea's Candies of Johnstown, PA. Tastes like home. : )

5) Phone chats with my brother. I have the best brother on the planet.

6) Moleskine notebooks.

7) The feeling of accomplishment as I see I've filled a Moleskine notebook.

8) Laughing with my students.

9) Not being afraid when someone tries to intimidate me. Truly. "Whatever" is a powerful concept, at times.

10) The pleasure of a good haircut.

Yeah. I feel better.

Quick Update

Someone I do not know in real life emailed me a few days ago to ask if I was feeling better about the Boy who caused the angry posts of a few weeks ago, and who forced me into the consolations of Kelly Clarkson's ouevre. When people you do not know ask after your heart, it's time to update your blog. : )

What I think I like most about humanity is that we are always surprising. I have certainly been surprised this week. Returning to work after Spring Break, I had genuinely, if sadly, made up my mind that my friendship with the Boy was over, since he did not communicate anything at all to me, even after I sent him a carefully crafted, loving but firm missive, detailing what he should have done differently. But, walking into school on Monday, I was in for a surprise. He was baaaack. Friendly, kind, sweet, even better to me than he's ever been before. I realized, after a few days of this and with some shock, that he had read what I had written to him and thought about it.  His response wasn't to yell at me, or accuse me of accusing him of bad things, or even to just ignore me as I had ignored him for some time. His response was to agree with my central thesis -- I deserved better treatment -- and give that to me. What a surprise.

There are, of course, problems with this method, the prinicipal one being that I must keep myself from falling for this person again, which is hard because I know him better now and like him more (I almost always like people more the better I understand them -- playwright's curse). And it's certainly true that there is a big, heaving, groaning problem in the middle of the friendship (called Partially Unadmitted Sexual Tension) which can't be acted on because he actually does have a girlfriend. But I cannot help but feel kinda... well, happy... about this, because I thought the Boy was lost and he's found. It's all kind of, well, Christian. The Boy misused me. I went to him to tell him what he had done wrong. He thought about it. He is trying to make amends. I'm trying to forgive him.

There is something good in that.

Show!

I'm back! A restorative two days in Johnstown, one and a half days in Rockville/DC and three days in Columbia, SC have brought me back to myself again. Thank you to all who have listened to me, cried with me, yelled with me (or, in Teenie's case, FOR me) and generally been wonderful to me during this last dumb ol' heartbreak. And thank you, Kelly Clarkson.

Whenever I feel most like myself, I write. I've been doing that a great deal over this break, which feels wonderful. I am working on my first novel, and feel really excited about it! At the same time, I'm working with the wonderful johnmichael rossi, Esra Cezmeci and Bret Jaspers on the upcoming production of Ten Selected Minutes So Insignificant, Only Bill and Marie Noticed. It's so cool to be back in rehearsals again, especially rehearsals that do not require me to 1) warm up 2) cry or 3) carry heavy rehearsal set pieces around on a director's whim. No! I am just the playwright! I sit in judgement! Or, you know, knit and nod benevolently, because JM is a great director and has already put so much thoughtful care into what he's doing.

All of this is for the 15th Annual 15 Minute Play Festival: click on the link to learn more about this long-running and pretty cool week of shows!  

I'm so movin' on...

This has not been a happy week chez Shannon Writes. I, like the majority of the world's population, do not like to be in conflict with anyone. Unfortunately, I have been. (See the post two down). This person has absolutely refused to communicate with me (except for one falsely-cheerful greeting that I shot down), and so I've spent much of the week wondering and worrying about the continuance of our friendship, because I wasn't completely sure of the extent of injury done to me. Thanks to another friend, I now know that the first person sadly isn't worth all that angst and worry. It's so sad. But there it is, unless he decides to speak up.

It's been funny to watch my internal soundtrack change over the last week. It's gone from just a  rattling of my thoughts in my head to Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" (go on, now go!/walk out the door!) to Citizen Cope's "Sideways" (these feelings won't go away/they keep knocking me sideways) to Meredith Brooks' "Bitch" (when you think you've got me figured out/the scene is already changing) to Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" (deplorable grammar aside, the song's lyrics exactly capture what happened). What's next? I'm hoping for "Me and Bobby McGee" or something like that.

Anyway. A change is as good as a rest, I truly believe, so I am glad to be off for the week ahead. I'm going to PA by train in about an hour, and then on to DC and South Carolina not too long after that. Looking forward. Hoping I leave my memory of him here for now.

A gentler perspective

I was really angry when I wrote that last post. I had been used badly. I'm still pretty angry: I haven't been apologized to. I've done a lot of crying, speculating and muttering. I am hoping and praying for some kind of reconcilliation, but am beginning to recognize it may not happen, at least not soon.

Life is hard. When I think about the rough patches of my life, I come back to faith, family, friends and writing, whether it is my writing or someone else's. I think I need the perspective of my favorite poem, by W. S. Merwin (it's untitled but sometimes called "Listen") today. Maybe you do too.

Listen

with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridge to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you

over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster and faster then the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is