Shannon Writes...

Girding.

It's been a lovely weekend. Yesterday, we celebrated Roo's birthday with a Scanvenger Hunt/picnic in Prospect Park. I think it's pretty telling that both Roo and I decided to celebrate our 35th birthdays by doing atheletic things. A scavenger hunt may not sound very athletic, but we spent almost 3 hours combing our neighborhood for things, and Park Slope is not called Park Flat for a reason. This is clearly a thumbing of the nose at mortality, and we all know who wins that battle. Still, I am in better shape than I've ever been before, except as a child, and I'm pleased about that. Did I mention that I climbed a mountain? : )

I am really grateful for these stretches of good times over the last few weekends (and no time can stretch out like a beginning of summer good time), because it's been a grueling few weeks at work. Things have been Not Good. Lots of rocky relationships and things coming to a sad end. And anger. Lots of anger. I tell myself that this too shall pass, and it is true that things -- a class, a tiff, a interminable meeting -- do pass. Still, I'm sad because people are getting hurt, children are not being well-served and a lot of people involved care to a far greater, far less selfish extent than I do. We are all weary, though, and we all need summer very badly. Only a few days of classes left, thankfully.

I'm thinking a lot right now about which relationships I'll keep from this year at school. There's a definite pattern for me of keeping in touch with one or two people from any certain segment of my life, but mostly this happens due to the other person's persistence. And there are whole swaths of my life that I no longer keep in touch with anyone from -- my first job, a teaching post I held. They were not happy times in my life, so I guess that makes sense. And this is has been a hard, hard year. Yet, I can think of at least four people I'd like to keep getting to know. I hope I do. Maybe I'll send myself a reminder in a year to see if I have!

In the meantime, though, this too shall pass.

Birthday

I had a great birthday. Roo and I managed, despite a shoe emergency and an MTA slow-down, to catch the train from Grand Central at 8:47 am to Cold Spring. We met up with Vic and Jen, and then, oh, you know, HIKED UP A MOUNTAIN. Like, to the top. It was pretty freaking amazing of us, if I do say so myself. I loved so many things about it -- the feeling of pushing myself physically and knowing I could do it, even if I was on the very outter limits of the ability to do so; seeing old friends in a completely new way (I've known Vic and Roo for 15 years, but I don't recall ever standing around outside gasping for breath with them); the beauty of the day, and especially, the view from the mountain across the range; saying "hi" to people who were also hiking; looking at bugs and frogs and butterflies and not freaking out; getting lots of updates on my girlberry as more and more former students sent birthday wishes; seeing the way the light filters through the leaves. It was hard work, but incredibly fun and peaceful too. I kinda just want to go again as soon as I can. Maybe not up Cold Spring again. But back outside, back up to the mountains.

After we hiked, we went into town and collapsed on really thick green grass in a church cemetary. (We kept a respectful distance from the graves). I had purchased one of my favorite treats, a lemon-lime Slush Puppie, from a store on Main Street and I whiled away 40 minutes just chatting and drinking that. Frozen slushie drinks are one of my favorite things on the planet. My obsession is strong.

For dinner, we went to a French place Vic knew. Delicious food, charming place, friendly staff. They heard us talking about my birthday (and saw me open lovely little gifts from Vic and Jen) and gave me a free dessert. So kind. I would go back there in a heartbeat.

And then, to top off the day, Ryan and Gordon were coming home from upstate and met us on the train. I loved that part -- like, the day could not get any better, and then there were two more of my favorite people!

When I got home, there were still gifts to open and calls to return. And both yesterday and today, I have had enormously exciting and good career things happen, the details of which I am too supersitious to go into, but... man! I am loving 35!

35 People.

Tomorrow I turn 35. This is my 115th post on this blog. Big numbers! I wanted to be sure to post something special and important and meaningful and so on for my birthday, but I'm going hiking with friends tomorrow (the perfect get-away for this Pennsylvania girl who still really misses the woods even after 10 years in New York). I have to get up at 6:15, so I knew I wouldn't have time to post tomorrow. Instead, here I am, a bit early.

With what? With 35 names. These are the names of 35 people who have helped me, inspired me or changed me in the last 35 years. I haven't listed everyone, of course -- I'm mostly going by instinct, not plan, please do not be insulted if you are not here -- but I think this is a good, strong list, and it shows me that in my time on Earth I've been very blessed. You know, when I do these thank you lists, I try to avoid getting bogged down mentioning specific people, mostly because I am trying to write a semi-interesting blog, not an Oscar acceptance speech. Here, though, it's time to celebrate the people I am so very thankful for.

1) My mom -- How many people can say that their mom is the best person they know? I can.

2) My dad -- He drives me crazy sometimes when he compares me to him, but he's usually right -- we are both great travelers, cry easily, are usually friendly, are good writers and kind folks. He is also the most supportive man I know.

3) My brother -- the only person on Earth with my exact sense of humor, and a wonderfully sensitive, funny, kind guy. I really lucked out. I only got one sibling, but he's everything I need.

4) Roo -- my best friend, biggest cheerleader, favorite companion. I cannot tell you how many times I've agreed to do things I wasn't so excited about simply because Andrew would be there and that would make it fun.

5) Teenie -- This woman has strength beyond strength and is loyal, sweet and really funny too. She was the first person to tell me I was beautiful, and I am finally hearing her, 15 years later.

6) Melarina -- She believes in me and backs up her belief with stalwart friendship.

7) Avery -- my first favorite little person, who showed me that maybe I do want to be a mommy -- or at least a crazy fake aunt.

8) Susan Faith -- Knowing that I will watch her grow up makes me want to be healthier, kinder, better.

9) Mum-mum -- I've written about my grandmother extensively here, so suffice it to say, she made me who I am.

10) Nancy -- she was my student at Stella. Lots of my students changed me, for the better, but Nancy always liked me for who I already was, and she continues to think I can do anything I want. I can't. But it's nice to have Little Red thinking I can.

11) Kathy -- some kids are just special. Kathy sure is, although she's not a kid anymore. She decided she was going to be my friend, and how could I resist? Her love made me a better teacher.

12) Brian -- I have so many good memories of Brian from our time together at Camp Ballibay, but he really won me forever by calling on the day John Denver died and singing Muppets songs with me. Brian showed me that there are good guys in the world at a time when I did not know very many.

13) Kate-- when my brother got married, I really didn't want to have another person in our family. I don't like to share. Kate showed me that the addition of a spouse can and should make a family richer.

14) Chris -- my college professor, one of the first people who knew what she was talking about and also believed I had potential as a theatre artist.

15) Jeff -- he runs Theatre Three, and believed in my work enough to produce it three times. Stalwart supporter of the idea of a true community theatre, his work really impresses me.

16) Magda -- puts up with my relentless texts and mood swings, talking me through some of the worst days of my life. I don't really know why she wants to be friends with me, but I am glad she does.

17) Em and Cam -- the little (not so much anymore, alas) girls I was nanny for when I moved to NYC to go to NYU. They are/were so smart and verbal and loving, true reflections of their parents and yet distinct personalities. I miss them, still, and am glad I developed into an adult alongside them while they were developing into kids.

18) John -- the first boss I had who wasn't scared of my brain, and was exceedingly kind to me as well.

19) Aaron -- Nothing, but nothing, makes me happier than making Aaron laugh. And he gives me theatre tickets!

20) 'Chelle -- my supervisor at the summer camp I worked at when I was 18 and 19. She was my model of a modern, independent woman. I was too young to really get to know her, but boy, do I think of her and her brave choices often.

21) Sue -- Melarina's mother, my second mom, a natural force of goodness. She wants me to be myself, and then I do too. And she lets me take loooong naps.

22) Kiri -- my beautiful friend, Kiri, who inspires me to be creative and brave and to actually want things, not just tell myself I can't have them, or shouldn't want them.

23) Penguin Totem (aka Ryan, Vic, Gordon) -- we were only a writer's group formally for a very short time, but their work really inspires me. And their friendship means the world to me. Every time I go home from seeing any of them, I think, "How'd I get so lucky?"

24) Aunt Tillie -- she babysat for me and Justin when we were little. She had just lost her husband, Uncle Billy. (Not my real blood relatives). She showed me that it was ok to talk about people who had died, and miss them, and remember them.

25) Carole-Ann -- Oh, my sweet Carole-Ann. SO MANY good times together at Ballibay, and a good and true friendship too. I still miss that.

26) Corey -- Roo's partner. He sees me in a different way than people who have known me longer and I appreciate his friendship and perspective very much.

27) Nina -- Nina and I aren't friends anymore, but I still wish her well. We spent many days together in our later 20's trying to figure ourselves out. Her desire to know who she is has stayed with me.

28) Stella -- dance teacher at college. Actually thought I could dance. Never will forget that.

29) Matt -- 95% of the time, Matt laughs at my jokes. This makes entire days at work bearable. And I just enjoy knowing and liking someone so utterly different from anyone else I know and like.

30) Laurence -- a lovely man who was kind to me when it was important and made fun of me when it was not, a good balance that showed me how to interact with teenagers.

31) Tyler K -- a darling little boy I had in PreK. He showed me that everyone, but everyone, is unique.

32) Nancy -- fighting cancer, and genuinely ok with it. Tired of it, for sure, annoyed, perhaps, but accepts and moves on. If only I could do that with so many elements of my life. But I'm getting better!

33) Thornton Wilder -- my biggest inspiration as a writer.

34) Anne LaMott -- my biggest consolation as a reader.

35) jm and Rachel -- the twin suns of my work life.

There are so many more... but I will stop now... and wish myself a lovely happy birthday! And now, off to the gym!

Summer robe.

It's getting warmer in New York City these days. We actually broke 80 degrees on Wednesday, and when I walked out of the school building, I was too hot in my denim weight jacket. It's been quite a rainy Spring, and I've gotten used to the Ireland-ish temperature and constant mist. I can't say I was thrilled to have the first inklings of the coats of sweat I'll be wearing for most of the summer. Ah, New York City in the summer: A Place to Flee From.

This morning I woke up early (6:30) and have stayed awake, mostly, so I finally just got up and am getting on with the day. I actually feel a bit more enthusiastic about it than the phrase "getting on with it" implies. For one thing, I am excited to have three entire days in which I do not need to go to work. Because I do not like work right now, and, even more so, I do not like me at work. I'm also a little bit more enthusiastic because I pulled out my summer-weight robe. I made this robe out of a green seersucker that has -- and this is key! -- silver woven into it, which my mom found at Jo-Ann's last year. I did not buy quite enough material, and when it came time for the pockets, I had to sub in an Asian floral in light blue. It turned out really well, and is exactly what I wanted -- super light and comfy. Wearing it makes me want to spend the whole day sewing or playing with fabric, which I will not be able to do... but it's a fact about me that when things at work get bad, I always want to lose myself (like Eminem, no doubt) in  yarn and fabric and pretty papers and crafts.

I will just have to find some time this weekend for a little sewing.

What I Want Right Now.

Late Fragment by Raymond Carver

And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? I did. And what did you want? To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.

Last Time I Saw You, We'd Both Split in Two...

I am thinking about soul mates today. I know that this sounds a little "I couldn't help but wonder..." of me, but I do wonder... do I believe in soul mates? I'm not sure. I haven't met my romantic soul mate (or, if I did, he didn't register as such), but I have met several people who are kindred spirits.

On one hand, I believe life is a lot of randomness, mostly because I don't think there is a reason why I am a well-off White person in the U.S., and someone else is a very poor African person in Nigeria. Or if there is a reason, it is Divine and unknowable to me, and certainly doesn't have anything to do with my being a better person or having a better soul. On the other hand, I believe that things happen for a reason and that relationships click into being sometimes despite ourselves. A great example of this is my friend, Mel. I felt a connection and affection for Mel the very first time I met her, but she just was not interested in me. Yet fate kept throwing us together until she finally realized my awesomeness (right, Mel?). We were meant to be friends, it feels like to me. All of my closest relationships feel so deep, and textured, and varying, and loving that they cannot seem random to me, but rather deeply intended.

The idea of soul mates, romantically, however, seems kind of foreboding to me, like the song I quoted in the title, "The Origin of Love" from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. There's a hewing apart and then a big empty lack of another person. The idea seems to be that one person completes another, and that idea freaks me out. I don't think I'm complete, precisely, but I also don't feel I'm lacking meaning and substance without a partner. I do like the idea of someone bringing out my better nature or introducing me to new parts of me (and vice versa). That'd be ok.

What do you think? Is there such a thing as soul mates? Does everyone have one, even cranky ol' Henry David Thoreau?

Tune in next week, for a discussion of love at first sight and whether if it's meant to be, it will be.

I feel like this guy today.

Traveling Through The Dark

by William Stafford

Traveling through the dark I found a deer

dead on the edge of the Wilson River road.

It is usually best to roll them into the canyon:

that road is narrow; to swerve might make more dead.

By glow of the tail-light I stumbled back of the car

and stood by the heap, a doe, a recent killing;

she had stiffened already, almost cold.

I dragged her off; she was large in the belly.

My fingers touching her side brought me the reason--

her side was warm; her fawn lay there waiting,

alive, still, never to be born.

Beside that mountain road I hesitated.

The car aimed ahead its lowered parking lights;

under the hood purred the steady engine.

I stood in the glare of the warm exhaust turning red;

around our group I could hear the wilderness listen.

I thought hard for us all--my only swerving--,

then pushed her over the edge into the river.

What I Have Learned This Year.

It’s only 12 days until my birthday (shop now! I have an Amazon wish list!) so I have been thinking about things I’ve learned since last May 25^th. It’s nice to reflect and realize that I have managed to learn things about my life, and about myself. Here are a few of them – real, and silly, and real silly.

 

1)      Crazy people telling you you’re crazy doesn’t mean your crazy. (This wisdom was spoken to me last week by my colleague and friend Rachel, and it is sooo true.)

2)      Girls Softball can be a surprising force for good in the world.

3)      There’s not much you can do to fight the basic forces of mutual attraction and need.

4)      Once you lose someone you really love, grief is like a river running through you, and you never know when you’re going to fall into it.

5)      Laptops make life better.

6)      I want to write a novel.

7)      No. I do not like asparagus.

8)      You can get to know someone based purely on how hot you think they are, but if you keep spending time with them, you’ll find out who they really are… and that might be even better. Or, you know, they might just be hot.

9)      I like working with men and women my age, but I miss teaching all girls.

10)   No matter how close someone is to you, and how much you love them, you cannot expect them to always see things your way.

11)  I feel very “eh” about theatre and film lately.

12)   I want to run a 5K. I had no idea that this was a dream of mine. But ‘tis.

13)   I do not have to be in charge, and, in fact, I sometimes do not want to be.

14)   Kids will laugh at me when I teach them. I don’t really care anymore. Whatever. I’m still giving you the grades, ya dumbutts.

15)   If someone has just lost a game that he or she really wanted to win, do not say, “Well, it was a beautiful day, anyway.”

16)  I can’t fix people.

17)  But I can listen, intently and well, and that’s something.

18)  Exfoliate before self-tanner.

19)  Nothing is more important than my family and friends. Also have known this for years -- but seem to need a constant reminder about it too.

20)   Saying no is a skill and I get better at it the more I do it.

21) It's your skin, my brother, it don't matter if it's black or white.

22) If something is frustrating you, walk away for awhile and then come back. I've known this for years, but I feel like I am being reminded of it constantly.

23) I always have something to write. All I need to do is sit down and do it. It might be drivel, but I'm writing something.

24) If I choose a treadmill at the front of the gym, by the windows, it's harder for men to ogle my boobs.

25) I'm really glad I'm not in my early 20's anymore. If you are, God bless you. See you on the other side.

Loss.

I just received word that a colleague's father passed away. This man was the principal caregiver for my colleague's mother who is gravely ill. I'm feeling so sad for my colleague and his grim situation, especially since he is an incredibly kind, funny man, who gives me at least one good compliment every week, and helps me out with lesson plans out of his own volition. I cannot tell you how much this man doesn't need or deserve this loss. I accept it, as part of life, but I'm not happy about it.

We die. This upsetting fact keeps coming back to me, over and over again. This has been a year of loss. Starting in August, there has been nearly one significant loss a month to me and my circle. A friend lost her baby. My grandmother died. Another friend lost her mom. My mom's best friend's mom died. A colleague lost her baby. This new loss. Last night I dreamt that two enormous planes were shooting into my school, over and over. It was up to me to save everyone. This morning I recognized this as a manifestation of a loss I know I will face someday -- the loss of one of my students to drugs, gunfire, gang violence or an abusive home. I cannot save everyone. The planes are coming.

A friend from college noted on his facebook status the other day that he had realized that the second half of his life would involve more loss than the first half. I wanted to write something cheering to him, something that pointed out the blessing in having led lives that involved so little loss as children. But his statement seemed so matter-of-fact that I couldn't do so. He's right. There's more to come.

What do I have to rally with, then? Well, I -- we -- have our memories, and our ways of remembering. When I was visiting my parents I found a photo of my grandmother and me, where we're both smiling. You can see her in me, and it makes me both happy and sad. I put it up on my fridge and every time I get out ice, I look at Mum-mum and tell her I love her. That helps. We have our communities -- we reach out to those we know might be hurting and we celebrate with those who are here with us now. We have our faith -- whether it be my fairly standardized Christianity, or simply a faith best expressed in Thornton Wilder's quote, "There is a land of the living and a land of the dead, and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning." And we have our consolations -- my new laptop, my knitting, my writing, my friends in conversation -- you have yours.

It really isn't enough to patch up such big hurts. But somehow, because we must, because we are built this way -- to have hope -- we go on. James Taylor sang, "It's enough to be on your way. It's enough to cover ground. It's enough to be moving on. Home -- build it behind your eyes. Carry it in your heart." And so we do.

"The Look" by Sara Teasdale

Strephon kissed me in the spring,

Robin in the fall,

But Colin only looked at me

And never kissed at all.

 

Strephon's kiss was lost in jest,

Robin's lost in play,

But the kiss in Colin's eyes

Haunts me night and day.