It's Sunday morning, and I'm not going to church. I usually do. I'm one of the, what? 15% of people in my demographic who genuinely enjoys going to church, for the most part. And I used to be sure to go every single Sunday unless very ill or very, very tired. But I've stopped that over the last year or so. The reasons are complex, but one of them is that I've realized there's a world of Sunday doings that I've missed out on for years -- people are going to brunch, sleeping in and reading the paper over bagels. Shocking! And kind of nice, every once in a while (for me). Today, for example, my friend JM is having a brunch/playreading in the afternoon, and if I want to get papers graded (e.g. keep my job), I've got to get to them this morning before I head over to it.
I've also realized that I think about the purpose and meaning of church, and what I derive from it, more when I don't go than when I do. When I do go, most weeks, I'm on auto-pilot: up by 8:30, out the door by 10, in a pew by 11, back out again by 12:30 (hopefully) and then my day is spent getting ready for the next week at school. When I don't go, I feel the gap. It's so quiet in Park Slope on a Sunday morning, and especially in my apartment, and especially when I don't get dressed, padding around in my pajamas and not wearing my hearing aid. I swear I can feel God tugging on me more at this time. So I pull out my "old green hymnal" (Shout out to Lutherans who don't like the new red hymnal! That Spanish Liturgy is awful, right??) and settled down in my big comfy chair. I read the Bible, I pray and I sing -- badly and not too loudly, but always my favorite hymns, which my church only gets around to singing about once a year. But "Lift Every Voice" is on the menu EVERY Sunday I spend at home.
I wouldn't want to do this every Sunday. For one thing, it goes against my basic belief that faith practiced completely internally and alone is not sustainable, and for another, I miss the community of my church. Also, I think that mass itself is beautiful, holy and special. But I love these quiet times too.
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